Wednesday 5 September 2001 // 1733 EST

Seeing: Birds beginning to flock south

Hearing: Ian van Dahl -- Castles In The Sky

Touching: Memories.

Tasting: ugh..too many cheddar cheese cracker combos...::hic::

Thinking:
So yeah. Campus is proving to be a pretty dangerous place to be. Four armed robberies in the past week and now what looks to be a homicide down on frat row. Under normal circumstances I'd say something like "eh, one less fratboy," but I have to take things a little more seriously about now, especially because one of those people who was robbed on campus was Katie. I feel so bad, since i walk that way all the time...right around LeFrak hall, apparently held up by a bunch of teenagers who were too scared to actually point the gun AT her, which in a lot of ways is silly and stupid, but if there were any criminals that she HAD to encounter, I'm glad it was the really dumb and unprofessional kind, the kind that left her alone, took her money, and walked away. It makes me sad, since the campus is usually so safe and whatnot, and I imagine this is only in addition to the traditional things that happen in the residence halls, you know, people sneaking into rooms and stealing wallets and laptops and things, peeping toms in the ladies bathrooms, those kind of things, and then pile that on top of all the other traditional college campus crime, vandalism, sexual assault, drug use and whatnot, and you've got quite the community. In a lot of ways, I suppose I'm happy I don't live down there anymore, although it'd be nice to kick some 15 year old ass for trying to hold me up.

In the meantime, what do I do? I hear about it on the news, I try to console Katie when she calls and talks about it, and I miss the afternoon we were going to hang out together because of werk. Yeah, I'm starting to werk on my off days, so it looks like I'll be up at about 930 or so every morning to make it to campus by 11 every day. Oh well, I suppose I shouldn't complain, in a lot of ways it's better to be doing SOMETHING than doing absolutely nothing, sitting at home alone in front of the computer playing video games....which has it's merits, mind you, but just not really want I want to do with my entire life. My dad keeps telling me that you can't live your life in fear of anything-you can be cautious, in fact you should be cautious, but you can't be afraid of every situation you encounter, you can't walk away from things because they're a might scary. Oh well. Welcome to the real world. Maybe it'll push enrollment down enough that there'll be space for everyone to live on campus for a change. Sorry to be so bitter about it, but eh. It's hard not to be. I mean, I'm kind of curious what UMPD was up to around the time of these 4 robberies and this murder...no offense to a police force that works really hard to protect us and all, but uh...yeah. eMily called me and was more than a bit worried about things and kind of curious as to what the hell was going on on or around campus that was making the place so dangerous...I mean, was it all the new freshmen or something?

Bah. It was a nice day outside today. The weather's been nice on and around campus lately, I won't complain, but I'm really not looking forward to the days where it'll be pouring down rain and I'll have to drive to campus...and looking forward less to the days when it'll be snowy and icey and I'll have to get to campus to get to class. In the meantime however, I'll enjoy the weather as it is. The wind is blowing nicely and it's nice outside, and I'm even considering heading off to Buzz this friday for the Red Party-hey, MJ Cole is gonna be there, which means there's gonna be some mad soulful garage house and two-step...might be fun. And maybe if the days keep on like this, the stars will shine bright and it'll be just chilly enough that I can huddle with someone on the patio and enjoy myself, and then head into the main room and break it down. I miss those days when the parties were that much fun, to be honest-maybe back in the beginning days when I started partying...I remember the wind on my face driving through the early evenings, watching the sun creep away over the western horizion, and the stars shining down on me as the music rose and the people danced and smiled and laughed...those are the days I missed. In a lot of ways I missed partying alone because I was all alone in my head...I could dance without really caring, I could spin without caring who saw, and I could have fun not caring what anyone thought of me. I suppose I'll have those opportunities again the way things are going. So maybe I'll be at Buzz. Who knows.

I tried to sleep today, but I kept waking up-I really hate it when that happens. I'm obviously tired, but I can't sleep-I kept tossing and turning and trying to adjust the covers so I could fall asleep or kept trying to find a more comfortable position or place in the bed...I have no idea why this has been happening to me lately. I hope I manage to sleep well enough for class tomorrow. So far the semester hasn't been all that horrible, but I imagine some of it is going to get pretty intense pretty quickly...we'll see how things turn out. Wish me luck on things like these damned homework sets for things like my Thermodynamics class. Not like I haven't done half this shit before. Oh well. I could really use a big hug and some words of encouragement right about now, to be honest-someone to lay next to me in a bed and just chat about things...maybe with a takeout tray of sushi between us or something. Someone who really wants to listen, someone who really cares, someone who will happily munch on some pickled ginger while I go on about the things I want out of life and I can do the same and be intrigued...it's been a long time since I've felt that sparkle in my eyes, that tinge in my heart when I really feel like I'm sharing something unique with someone...I want to run around downtown georgetown looking at clothes I can afford and buying records for turntables I don't own...let the wind whip through my clothes and watch the streetlights come on and the people going to and fro while we walk up and down M street...we'll take refuge in Commander Salamander and tease the workers there and ask about the music playing in the store, pick up some party flyers and adhere to our "No-UFO buying" policy and walk out again..consider buying some cloves while we're in DC and smoke maybe one or two...

Hm..I seem to have changed pronouns in there somewhere-I went from I to We...that's understandable since I don't think that would be the same if I did it myself, but anyway. I think I know in a lot of ways what I want, I just don't think I'm going to get it.

I was going to get a car stereo. That's not happening right now-I looked at my credit card bill and my paycheck and succumbed to the thrill of being broke but a good boy and paid it off some more. Not too much left, to be honest. I suppose the next check I get I'll use for a stereo, and then I'll buy a drive. Blah, the trouble with being back in class is that I don't have all kinds of time to devote to werk, so I don't make nearly as much money as I would like to. I really need to get out of school, to be honest-but then I'll have even bigger debt to worry about, so maybe I should just enjoy this while I have it. I'll have to look into a job with medical insurance and all that, and start paying on my student loans....ew. Oh well.

::sigh:: I never knew how to say no. I never knew how to tell people to not bother me with their problems, or how to tell people that I didn't want to hear thwta they had to say at the moment...politely anyway, so I just go on letting them talk, letting them ramble on about whatever's on their mind, their new boyfriend, their new crush, their meetings or their appointments, all the things I really could care less about but people go on to me about anyway..it's always been a problem of mine, to tell the truth, and I've never really known how to deal with it. Most people tell me that I should just say that I'm not in the mood to hear it, or that "Can we not talk about that right now?" but I'm too much of a nice guy, I suppose. I don't know what I'm going to do, because all this is depressing and the last thing I need in my life is MORE shit that depresses me. Already I have enough people in my life that don't even TALK to me and make me depressed. I think I should go for a drive or go into the city or something-that might cheer me up a bit.

I wonder if I have homewerk.