Thursday 17 October 2002 // 1036 EDT

Seeing: Sunlight creeping through my curtains

Hearing: Nintendo Sound Adventures - Yoshi's Story(Remix)

Touching: Someone else's denim jacket

Tasting: Pork cutlets in hawaiian jerk sauce, with chicken mushroom rice a roni on the side

Thinking:

I woke up this morning, opened my eyes, saw the sunlight, and immediately closed them again. I rolled over on my side and fumbled for my headset and put it on, and I called Natalie. I had promised to call her when I woke up to make sure she was awake. I called, we talked for a few moments and decided that I would call when I was on my way to werk, that way she could get a little more sleep. I went upstairs, showered, shaved, came back downstairs, got dressed, and ran out the door, fearing I would be late. Called Natalie from the car, and when she wished me happy birthday when she picked up the phone, that was probably the first time I remembered that it was my birthday. After we talked a bit and I let her go review for her exam today, I was driving down the road and I thought to myself "wow...I'm 23 years old."

Dressed in a relatively nice blue button down shirt and a pair of khakis(you know, work clothes), I thought to myself "wow...I've changed a lot." I used to go to the same job I have now wearing a t-shirt and a pair of big jeans; wearing my partyclothes to work...I'd wear flashy sweatshirts and jeans that were frizzed at the bottom, and all of a sudden I decided to make a change. I mean, I had made a concious choice to do something different; to dress nicer for werk, to workout three times a week, to try and get in the more important things to me; to spin, to live, to love, to be happy, to find more happiness on the path to happiness. And so far I've been doing pretty good.

Spending time with Natalie has helped a lot, there's a sense of solace with her, partially because I love her so, but partially because it's so refreshing to spend time with someone who respects me and actually does appreciate me for who I am, aside from people I used to spend a lot of time with who either don't respect my wishes, try to make it seem like they do but then make me feel guilty for exercising control over my own life, people who are more interested in my attention than actually spending time with me, people who use guilt as their most powerful weapon, people who are gutless enough to run away and never stand up and face their problems, their issues, to work them out, to make progress in their lives, the people who would rather run from themselves, the people who would rather turn their backs instead of deal with their issues, or mine, or ours. The people who will sacrifice friendship for something petty, a misunderstanding, laziness, a lack of ambition, the like.

That, of course, all implies that I'm innocent of all of these things. I am not.

I'm not lashing at anyone, although someone mantioned that my last entry was a little more bitter than I intended it to be, but I look at it like this: when you start your life, when you start living the way you want to, you start doing the things that make you happy, the the things that bring you joy, when you finally go on and make a change, you want that change to happen as quickly as possible, you want those changes to be permenent, you want to keep living well and keep being happy, and you look back at all the time you wasted not doing anything with disdain and scorn and you wonder what made you waste all that time.

Now I'm kind of Celestine, so I look at it this way; I was spending energy, I was giving it out and not getting anything back, flowing and flowing and letting it all pour out of me into other people, into other things, not giving it any direction or any meaning, letting other people feed and not grounding myself, letting things happen that shouldn't have happened. I'm happier now, for the most part-those problems are non-issues now, and what scattered energy I let flow is for good reason. I like to consider myself more focused and driven, more pointed in my goals and the things I want to do with myself. And when I think that way, when I understand how I feel, I understand that this makes me happy, I understand that I've started on something that's probably very good for me. Now all I need is a haircut and everything will be perfect.

Birthday revelations, I suppose. Things have changed a lot, from even a few months ago, and I think I'm really better off for it.

I'm looking for new places to live, which makes sense to me also; while I love the house and I really like my roommates, I appreciate my own space and sometimes think I need that; that I'm tired of doing other people's dishes, I'm tired of cooking and people staring at my food, I'm tired of being the only one in the house with a job or active life, I'm tired of cleaning the bathroom when I'm not the one making it messy, but those are comprimises you make when you live with someone...I'm especially not looking forward to Amy's return home for the holidays from New Mexico; which will probably herald some kind of doom. We'll see, but hopefully things will work out.

I need to spin more. I have a ton of records that are calling my name, I just need to spend more time with them. I suppose I will, maybe this weekend I'll have a bit of free time. It'll be nice. Besides, it was quite an investment. That reminds me, Dave owes me a hundred bucks, I'm gonna email him.

Anyway, trying to gather my thoughts...Hmm. It's almost lunchtime, I've been working on this for a long time. I'm thinking about Subway for lunch, although I'd like something hot. I guess I'll just have to decide. It's my birthday though...I should have whatever I want! I think I will!

Anyways, this evening should be fun, I get off work and I'm going to go spend some time with Nat, probably stay the night, and then get up and come back to work for a half day tomorrow(everyone gets off early today because of the football game, but I have to stay the full time, so I get to leave early tomorrow and start the weekend early, which is a nice present). It'll be nice. This is an excellent lead in to the weekend.

So go ahead, wish me a happy birthday, you know you want to!