Sunday 1 November 1998 - 8:59PM EST
I think I'll start from the end and work my way back to the beginning, okay?
Just when I think that people can't sink any lower than they already have, I know exactly the people in the world who go and surprise me. Let's hear it for immorality and stupidity...and for distrust and illusion...let's hear it for all those things that are temporary in our lives, but make us feel so good when we do them, and how good we all are at convincing ourselves that t was okay and it didn't matter or it's none of our concern and we shouldn't think about it anymore. But then again, you know, if someone's happy, I'm not about to go out and make them regret, although I know I have that power. I never have, and I probably won't start now-although some people need a little regret in their lives to make them stop doing stupid things...but who am I to say?
It was a good weekend, all around. Kisses and love, sarcasm and cotton candy for everyone. It'll make you happier. Today was laid back. Hung out at home and watched football with my dad...finding myself more and more interested in it, but not to the point where I'll sit and watch it and remember names and plays and stuff. Saturday, however, was something different entirely. After seeing my Katie and getting something yummy to eat, we went with a motley group of people to Adventure World for HallowScream, their little halloween thingy. It was cool, except for some of the people...several of which were having bad attitude nights-and some of which I'll be obliged not to talk to again. I suppose it ws a bad mix of people to begin with, at bad points in their lives, but it made no difference to me, I spent the beginning of the evening really pissed. Although I have to give it up to Katie and Lydia, who did a good job of cheering me up. Riding roller coasters and eating french fries...it was a good time, but only in retrospect. I was happy to get away for a while, Katie and I rode the silliest haunted train ride in the history of haunted train rides, but it was amusing, and what I needed to start laughing again. Soon afterward, we left, but not before getting some cotton candy on the way out....mm...
After that, Katie and I did our own thing, hung out and had some fun without all the hoes that we were with to begin with-although it was nice to see people again. I took Katie home at about 1230AM, and shortly after went down to DC to find Laura, my friend from U. Chicago, who happens to be dating my older friend Matt Gealy-you know, that brilliant guy that graduated at the top of my class with me....Man, I wonder how he is. Anyway, After wandering around DC for about 2 hours because the hotel desk gave me REALLY bad directions, I found the place, parked my little volvo next to a dumpster, and went in to find Laura. I did, and we talked for about an hour, at which point I figured I was pressing my luck, and left the hotel in Georgetown at about 3AM. It was great to see all the people on the streets, though, it was kind of interesting and I might be inclined to hang out there sometime, but at that time of night, I wanted to get home. It took me about an hour to find my way back to Columbia, although I know I couldn't have possibly gone the quickest way, but I went the way the desk told me to, and well....no biggie, I got back just before 4AM, and my parent's weren't upset, so it's all good. That was just Saturday.
Katie and I went out to dinner at this little place in Ellicott City on Friday, The Side Streets Bistro-wonderful little place, and afterward we sawe Rent, down at the Mechanic Theatre...at which point I met up with James, my RD, and some of the CAs that camped out to get the tix that they give away for the first two rows for 20 bucks...nonetheless, it was a fantastic performance....the best piece of theatre I've seen in my entire life...everyone should see this musical..but after that, we cruised by my house and got something to drink and hung out for a few minutes before she had to go home....before that, I was here. At school. But that's nothing special.
I dunno-sometimes I wonder about the people I know. Whether I should tolerate or just go away...but then I realize that sometimes being around people can teach you exactly what NOT to do in your life....and I suppose that's a lesson I'll take from this weekend. Good people, bad people. I love them all, I suppose, and I wouldn't be angry at the bad people and I wouldn't care so much if I didn't care at all.
Oh-Club Underground. Tim sums it up in his thoughts, although he fails to completely draw the conclusion that I only fiegned interest in these people. I mean, the z104 and b102.7 crap is good when I want to remenisce, and there are a few good songs from that genre, and I do like some of it, or else I wouldn't have so much of it-but overall, I'm out of it...I still have the stuff because I don't like selling CDs, but at the same time I have an attachment to them. And that kind of music. It started me off, and I still think I have a way of apprecating it, even if I've moved on for the most part. All in all, I wished that the people weren't so stupid-the gig was advertised as a techno/trance/electronica party, although I found that these people's idea of techno was as primitve as mine was when I was in their position...eventually I realized that techno wasn't what they were after, more like dance and eurodance, although even eurodance would have been too advanced for them...but Tim and Brennen and I, and the other 2 DJs endured, and everything worked out, although I have yet to get thank you note one for the ordeal. And before that-I was schoolin. So that's that. All in all, it was a good week. I'm happy about it. I just hope that I'll be able to relax this week....hopefully. But we'll see.

Tuesday 27 October 1998 - 1:30PM EST
Yesterday...when I was mad...
and quite prepared...
to give up everything...
admitting...
I don't believe...
in anyone's sincerity
and that's what really got to me...

Then...
when I was lonely...
I thought again...
and changed my mind...

Monday 26 October 1998 - 11:56PM EST
Someone just told me, no more than a few minutes ago, "The person you love is supposed to make you feel special, not doubt it." There's a quotable quote, you know?
This is going to be such a good week...I mean, it's going to kick ass...if only ONE damned thing would get better, then everything would be perfect. But I don't know what it's going to take to work it out. But you know, sometimes you have to look out for number one..and I know full well that I haven't done anything to deserve being this upset EVERY night...not being able to sleep at night without venting to someone about how all of this is making me feel, unfortunately I'm not getting to the root of the situation, because the root of the situation never has time to talk about the situation...God help me if I wind up doing something stupid....God help me..I'm just about upset enough to do something stupid, although I know every fibre of me would scream if I did....::sigh::...it's a good thing I talk about these things openly, because then I know not to do what it is I'm afraid of doing. Shoulda bought that sword.
So I saw Gabrage last night. It was phenomenal. And Shirley Manson...oh my GOD...I could just die...I sweat her SO bad. And her accent....::sighs deeply::....such a sweet scottish voice...I think I'm in love with my first celebrity. They fucking rocked out hardcorestyle, with a heaping helping of ravin'...it was phenomenal..I smuggled my camera in, so I should have photos coming back soon. This was one of, if not the BEST live performances I've ever been to...it was that good. Rumor has it they're coming back for Christmas...I'm there. Remind me to put up some Garbage links on the music site. You know, I realized that they did 10 out of 12 songs from the new album, a few b-sides, and a 6 song encore....it was fabulous.
So what do I do now? Maybe I should sleep. I'll finish the update and sleep. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now. I hate being upset at night, and not being able to sleep in my own bed...being plagued by thoughts and pain and lonliness....I need attention...and everyone's giving it to me BUT the person I need it from the most....::sigh::...stride on, I guess. It'll be a good week, dammit.
That's right Alan, keep telling yourself that.

Monday 26 October 1998 - 1:44AM EST
Push it....make the beats go harder....
You know what?
Everything just got a thousand times better.
I'll explain later. Phoenix out.

Sunday 25 October 1998 - 2:02AM EST
Why do we..crucify ourselves? Nothing I do is good enough for you...crucify myself....
Yeah..that's about right.
I'm gonna kill him. I'll drown him in the fountain. Yeah...that'll work. Really REALLY long story...one that I can't share here...but if you know what I'm talking about, then you know what I'm upset over. And you'd probably agree with me.
I'm not happy. I should be happy, but I'm not. I tell people that having what I have is overrated. Is that right? I mean, should I feel that it's overrated? I mean, things are nothing like I wish they were...it seems like while everyone tells me to be happy because I have what they desire in their lives, I can't really say too much anymore...I can't even blush and say thank you, or I can't even joke about how they could have it too if they tried...I wind up makeing some half-assed attempt at making them feel better about that hole in their lives, and wondering why mine is growing the way it is....because it doesn't feel like that hole is filled anymore...I mean, I'm sure it would be if things were just a little different, but they're not. Not much change would be required to fix this problem, not much effort...but nonetheless, I'd feel bad talking about it or bringing it up, much less explaining how this could kill something so precious to me....but then I have to ask myself the question-could it?
M says that I need to just breathe...be patient and remember that time will heal a wound like this...I think it will...something about my nature-I can tell people as easily as M told me that timw will make it better, but when I find myself in a situation where time in required, I must be the most impatient person on the face of the earth. It probably wouldn't kill it....not all by iteself, anyway. If I did something stupid in concert with all of this, then maybe it could cause a lot more damage to it than I want it to...but it'd be so easy to do something stupid...and at the same time, so fulfilling...I'm not the type to do it, so rest assured that I won't, I just sometimes feel like I could get something out of it, if I had the nerve(or dishonor) to do so. I don't need anything really scandalous...maybe just an evening to hold, you know? Attention, I suppose, that's what I'm lacking...I'm feeling very alone.
But then again, everyone left this weekend, my visitor cancelled twice, I had to deal with someone else's responsibility that affected me....the stupidity just piled up. So what does Alan do? He works for a few hours nonstop on the Astronomy Department Website, drinks lots of water wishing it were something alcoholic that would make him pass out and come to when there'd be other things to worry about and other feelings to feel than this incessant lonliness and depressiveness, and listens to the Ranma tapes playing on his VCR that he's seen and listened to countless times before. He does schoolwork that's not due until Thursday, just to get it out of the way. He writes a book report on a 371 page book of which he's read 105 pages, and it's a damn good book report, too. Couldn't have done better had he read the whole thing. And he listens to music. Sarah McLachlan. Tori Amos...god...he must really be depressed. but then, he notices. He's not. He just needed to vent. Oh, I suppose I should include a disclaimer..that a lot of this is really abstract, and if you know or even think you have an idea what I'm talking about-then trust me, you're wrong. And even if, upon asking me, you're right, then remember that all of this is 2:17AM feelings...they'll be gone or at least dulled or different by morning. Dunno if I'm going to see Garbage tomorrow. Maybe. If I feel like it. But to hell with all this, Alan thinks he'll go do something else. What exactly that will be....he doesn't know.

Friday 23 October 1998 - 10:54PM EST
Hmm...we gain an hour this weekend, don't we? That's cool.
Updated the Music page...there are a bunch of new links...I wanted to do a section on one of my fave groups, Man With No Name, a Trance/Ambient group that I know nothing about, because there's nothing about them on the net...but I suppose I'll keep researching. Hmm.. I should do something productive. Naw. It's 11PM, why should I? It's Friday night, Tim didn't show up for the radio show and didn't leave me a message or anything, noone's around, and I'm sitting here wishing that I could go out or something, but I don't know what's happening, and I don't want to go alone...
Spent a couple of hours watching Ninja Scroll with the guys across the hall-I was very impressed. I mean VERY. Great movie, everyone should watch it, and not for the rampant violence or occasional sex, but for the fact that the story is really well written, and the plot is very well developed..anyway. Now I'm waiting on a heaping helping of Lo Mein noodles-ordered along with some of the other guys on the floor...it should be here any minute now. Think I'll go do something else now...what that is, I'm not quite sure.

Thursday 22 October 1998 - 10:12AM EST
ooh, girl, I love you so. Never never never gonna let you go..once I get my hands on you.
Yup.
I was foolish to think that it wasn't going to inturrupt my daily life, but hey-what can I say? Riding down the mall today, I noticed a convoy of silver colored trucks and satellite transmitter vans rolling around the Big M...when I got out of class and was walking back to my room, I immediately noticed them setting up on the Mall...parked on the side, trailers and trucks, parked ON the walkway....dunno how so many people are going to get to and from classes.....and then they set up little platforms in front of the fountain and things....this should be interesting, to say the least. So Good Morning America is going to be broadcasting from UMCP campus tomorrow....yeah, we won them over Penn State....the theme is appropriate for out school-"Ivy League Educations at State School Prices." Maybe I'll cruise through on my way to class and try to get on TV. Then again, maybe not. Either way, I have to go around them to get to class....so who knows, maybe they'll pull me aside. I don't think my Physics professor will care if I'm a few minutes late, especially if he knew I was on TV. Hmm. Wish I could watch the show...I'll probably be sleeping. Like I'm going to right now. Time for the first nap of the day. Phoenix Out.

Wednesday 21 October 1998 - 11:12AM EST
My love....do you ever dream of.....hear these falling raindrops....you're my sweet, my candy rain.
Something like that.
Hmm. I think I'm done with Midterm season, and I didn't even know it started. All I have to get through now is this really big long book that's one big long poem, and write a paper on it. Who knows...by next Thursday. I guess I have time. Maybe there are cliffs notes. I doubt it, though. Who's ever heard of "John Brown's Body?" Anyway. I have to read it. It shouldn't be too difficult, though-I mean, if I can read War and Peace, then I can read this, right? Katie said she might come visit me this weekend...that would be nice...that would make me very happy. Happy....hehe...hmm. Class soon. I should go.
Not yet, though. Next week proves to be interesting. Physical exam on Wednesday, Club Underground on Thursday, Rent on Friday, the All Frighter on Saturday....sounds like an interesting week, huh? I'll keep you all posted.
You know, there's something from the Tori concert that I meant to mention. Sometimes doing what's best for humanity means doing something against our society's principles, or even against the individual....of course, I didn't do it....I mean, I didn't have the guts to strangle the woman who snuck up next to me because her seat sucked and she wanted to get closer and crush her windpipe like so much nutshell...er...she was annoying..she danced a lot-if you can call it dancing....I mean, she looked like she was having a seizure....I wanted to rid humanity of her genetic material before she could procreate....but now, who knows. I'm so upset...I've let my fellow human beings down. I hope the world can forgive me.
Okay, enough of this, I'm going to go play my stylophone. Later.

Sunday 18 October 1998 - 7:36PM EST
Happy birthday, Me.
Even though it was yesterday.
It was good, nonetheless. I mean, although I had started the whole thing with this feeling of jadedness-that noone really knew or cared, things turned out a bit differently...I heard from Sarah Magruder...how cool was that...now I have to remember to email her. And a lot of people wished me happy birthday and was really nice to me. And I got cool stuff from Katie and my parents. I'm happy. Very happy.
Anyway-I have food now, and no real obligations...and I have plans. You know, those kind of plans that wll be good for me in the end if I can ever get the nerve or gall to carry them out. Well, I had a good birthday. Adam was right when he said that birthdays were the shit when you were little, and they're not as special when you get older-but he was wrong when he sais that they weren't as fulfilling...I mean, I had no big party, I didn't get to wear the paper crown, I didn't get piles of presents, but I got a few things that I really like, I had fun with friends, and a certain someone went WAY out of their way to make my birthday something really special...and you know what? The more I think about it...the more it was. And you know something else? I think that this wasn't a nothing birthday. It wasn't jaded at all. I think this is perhaps one of my better birthdays....thanks, Katie. I love you.

Friday 16 October 1998 - 11:19AM EST
Happy birthday, Tim.
Today is a good day...today I get paid. Today I take an exam that I'm sure I can do well on. Today I do the radio show. Today I go home, since my birthday is tomorrow..it's the end of a pretty hard week..a bad duty shift on Wednesday that kept me up way longer than I meant to be...I actually got 8 hours of sleep last night, in comparison to my normal 4 or 5....isn't it great? Well, anyway. with all the bitching about Osirus, the new listserv, I'm trying to fix it...don't worry. Everyone wants things their way....oh well, I suppose the same applies to me. It was a really stressful day yesterday...I've been really stressed overall...I think it's time for me to wiegh my priorities and act as such...I've been stretched really thin, I'm going to start making more time for Alan....anyway, off to this Calc Exam...wish me a happy birthday.

Wednesday 14 October 1998 - 3:17AM EST
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Staying up so late? I was supposed to get to bed specifically early tonight...oh well. Two more projects down-Toxygene is up, and so is the image gallery...so go check them out. Right now. GO! Well, finish reading this first. Yeah, so I was saying, I'm sitting here eating Honey Nut Cheerios out of the box by the handful because I have no milk...and working on this webpage....okay, I feel pangs of tiredness..maybe I should sleep. I did my work, Katie...thank you for waking me up..I love you. I hope you like your subsite.
Well, things are good, I suppose, I'm killing time until Friday, when I have a math exam and I get paid and go home for my birthday on Saturday...who knows about that, though-that's another story. Okay, that's it. I'm going to bed. You can look at my new work. A little something's changed everywhere. Have a blast.

Tuesday 13 October 1998 - 2:39AM EST
Well, one day of this week is over...funny this week so far I really don't feel like doing anything academic...but I feel like learning. I feel like I'm getting something out of my classes, I just don't feel like doing any homework or problem sets, and in some cases I don't feel like getting up..I wish I could just sleep all day...I'm getting old. Yes, my birthday is on the 17th of October, and I'll treat myself to some nice things, since I'm finally getting paid for my webowork on the Astronomy Department Website...if you're interested in looking at what I've done so far, go here.
New Millennium's Child news!! I just finished creating and moderating a real listserv! Finally I've set up a webbased email reflecting system, so people can send email to one email address instead of to a whole bunch of them...my listserv is called Osirus, and if you're interested in joining up, just sign up under the same place that you'd go to look at my dreambook....
Next project is to get the V3 URL up and running. Think I'll do that right about now. Then I'll work on Katie's subsite, and then throw on an image gallery. Hmm...Maybe I should sleep...that's probably a good idea...yeah...sleep...
I still believe...still believe....

Thursday 8 October 1998 - 3:02PM EST
Jungle is rain music. Or perhaps more specifically, Infinity is rain music. There's just something special about throwing back your hood and letting your face and hair get wet while the sounds of drum and bass flow through your headphones...looking around and realizing that everything is so beautiful when it rains...I thought that today was going to be a bad day-since it started off so wet and dark and dank...but it's actually a good day...just wish I could get more sleep. But I'll be sure to hit the sack early tonight. Jungle. I have a class soon, so I'd best strap on infinity and a nylon jacket and head back out into the fray. It's gorgeous. I love it.

Monday 5 October 1998 - 4:53 EST
I'm sitting in front of my computer, slightly hungry, thinking about all those times when someone is talking to you, and you don't hear them but you pretend like you did anyway...you know, when the water is up a little too loud or the fan is on a little too high and someone says something to you that you have no idea what they said, and you play it off like you actually know what they were talking about....no, it has no relevance to my life, it was just an amusing thought, is all.
I suppose things are clearing up, for the most part, I have an exam tomorrow and Wednesday, and three papers due on Thursday....I'm not worried too much, though, the exams are Physics, both lab and lecture, and I think I have this stuff down, pretty much..I'm comfortable. And then the papers? Well, 2 of them are done already, the other only has to be 600 words. As soon as I look at the cliffs notes for Red Badge Of Courage and the other readings, I'll jot something down that's silly enough to get me an A. I suppose that's school. I mean, the RA stuff is calming down...the guys are nice, calm for the most part, behaving themselves...not too much work...in fact, I'm on duty tonight.
It's interesting how as soon as I go away to school, some of my tighter friendships that I had over the summer seemed to fade a bit...I mean, there are a lot of people with whom I am stronger when I'm at school-but then there are the people back home that slip between my fingers when I pack up and move back here. Maybe I should do something about that. Think I will. But what exactly it is, I don't know yet. Hmm. I think I'm kinda in limbo right now. Wish people would sign my dreambook. You know, when I get some real time, maybe I'll show everyone all the new pictures I scanned in-work on finishing those parts of the website that I've been meaning to make....Katie's site, the image gallery, you know....the V3-URL....the works. Anyway, I'm gonna relax, maybe get a bite before duty tonight and the staff meeting. Call me or something.